every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
