Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
