I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
