No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
