If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
