If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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