She is in my trunk
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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