you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
