I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
