I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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