Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
