My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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