Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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