If i come over, it means nothing
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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