guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
