I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just saw a hot homeless man
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
