If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
