i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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