I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
