i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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