So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
