When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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