worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
