we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
