Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
