God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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