My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
