I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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