I wish I could punch you in the face.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I could fuck to npr.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
