you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
