I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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