No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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