A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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