buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
