Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize