I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
