i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
