Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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