his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
