and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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