remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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