I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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