Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
