Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
