today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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