when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
