listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
