I cannot find my penis.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
