Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
