One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
