I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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