I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Randomize
