Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
