why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
His nipple licking is glorious
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