My cat gives me a boner
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
