I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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