mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
