i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
