Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
