is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
